Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Attention all Pregnant Moms!

This is a public service announcement!

If you, or someone you know, is pregnant now, do not leave this page before reading this post.

There is this thing, called an uterine massage.

Sounds wonderful, does it not? You would LOVE  a massage after pushing a baby out (or having one cut out of your uterus, like me), would you not?


A uterine massage is Satan's term for "press down hard until they're speaking in tongues".

The gist is this: they are pressing down on your stomach to help contract your uterus down to normal size, and to get a lot of the blood out of there.

And they do this until your bleeding is back down to their version of normal.

This hurts. And by hurts, I mean the pain is so terrible, that you would gladly take a bullet to the foot to get your mind off the pain they are causing to your midsection.

They did this to me. As the pain meds and spinal block was wearing off on me. After a c section. They were pressing all on my STAPLED incision because I bled a lot during surgery (from the stories I've read, they only do this to the people who hemorrhage during delivery or surgery).

I wanted to MURDER everyone in that room. I'm sure I punched a nurse. I hurt the lactation consultant's ego when she asked me if I wanted to breast feed (G rated answer: NO).

They did this to me every half hour for three damn hours. Six times I went through this HELL.

The pain is still an effective birth control for those rare moments I think about having another.

No one warned me about this torture. Maybe because it hadn't happened to any of the mothers in my family. Maybe they have a sick sense of humor. I don't know. But it is my duty to let people know of this painful (yet sometimes gravely necessary) procedure. It's not meant to scare anyone, but to inform.

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