I'll probably regret this in the morning.
But I want to preach on some things. No, I don'By need to hear your confessions or be asked for advice of the religious kind, this isn't that type of preaching. No need to break out the papal robes.
I want to talk about...well damn. This is hard when I have to keep it neutral because this is something I'm struggling with now.
I'll try to be as respectful as I can. Given that respect isn't given back to me I really shouldn't give a shit, but I'll try.
So, something interesting happened the other day. I saw where a friend of mine was tagged by someone in a post talking about forgiveness. The irony of this is the person doing the tagging and another that said person is romantically involved with has a lot of forgiving to do on their own.
Who do they need to forgive? Well, that's simple.
Me.
Settle down, peeps, this is going to be a long story. One in which I am a very bad person.This may be a two part post. I don't know yet.
You see, back in September, I had what would be diagnosed as a nervous breakdown, but seeing as how I don't go to doctors unless I feel like I'm dying, I'd rather classify it as the Becca Breakdown Festival, 2013.
Hmm, maybe I can diffuse this bomb I'm about to drop with humor. Because no matter how I put this, if the right person sees it, it's probably going to be taken the wrong way and there's another mark against my name in their judgey book of judgements. I think I'm destined for hell any day now, given the amount of marks I probably have now, so here comes my guaranteed trip to the Fiery Lakes.
I pretty much told my former best friend and her guy where they could shove it.
No, it didn't feel good. Okay, well that's a lie, it did at first. I cried as I did it, but oddly enough my eyes are dry as I write this. Huh. Go figure.
Let me paint the picture for you. I had a stressful day. I had an appointment for a pap smear, because I was scared to death that I had cervical cancer. I got some bad news on that day, personal bad news that not many people know about and I'm not divulging here. It does contribute to my coming BBF2013, though. I also had to wait for my test results, so I left just as nervous and scared as I had going in.
I'd been having some bad thoughts about my friend's significant other. It's actually hypocritical of me, thinking back on it now, because I was judging hardcore on their online relationship. Yes, this is how my husband and I met. Yes, I suck as a person for being a hypocrite. I feel crappy enough so let's get off of that subject because trust me, the worst part is coming.
I read a comment my friend said, and I guess I snapped. I don't remember much of this, but my sister later informed me that I was typing at 100 miles an hour while crying my eyes out. Not the cute crying, she says, but Farrah's ugly crying.
Gross.
Anyway, I don't have the exact message but I told her I never liked her man (not true, because I did like him at first. So I am a liar.), and that if she was willing to give up a four year friendship because of a stupid guy, then that was fine with me (and it wasn't, and still isn't. Lie #2).
And a bunch of other shit I don't remember. I think I have a lot of this stuff repressed. That is how horrible I feel.
No response from her. For months. I wished her a happy birthday, she said thank you, but other than that, she did not acknowledge my existence. Except for a like on an MJ picture I made on her birthday (and to this day there's a few MJ songs I can't listen to without ugly Farrah crying to.)
Now there was some drama involving my husband, that I do not feel comfortable with publicly posting. Long story short, her man said shit, my man said shit, they both suck for it, let's move on. They're men, I'm not ecpecting them to forgive each other any time soon.
So, soon, I start saying to myself "Self, you are a sucky person. You pretty much tried to sabotage your best friend's happiness, and you suck for it."
And Self started believing I.
So the apologies to both of them start. Both unreturned. Until a few weeks ago, where she tells me I'm full of shit.
Now, this is the part where old me would blow up and rant and blow shit up with my imaginary wand, but new calm collected me just apologized that she felt that way.
Boom. Blocked city for me, bitches.
So let us fast forward to the forgiveness photos. Seeing them rubbed me the wrong way because it's obvious that they don't forgive me. Despite me apologizing.
But this is life, and life has a funny way of letting shit be known. The way I feel is that if you preach about forgiveness, you should practice it before expecting it from others. Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it is for yourself.
Which is why I forgave both of them a long time ago, and I've run out of my apologies.
Their move.
But I want to preach on some things. No, I don'By need to hear your confessions or be asked for advice of the religious kind, this isn't that type of preaching. No need to break out the papal robes.
I want to talk about...well damn. This is hard when I have to keep it neutral because this is something I'm struggling with now.
I'll try to be as respectful as I can. Given that respect isn't given back to me I really shouldn't give a shit, but I'll try.
So, something interesting happened the other day. I saw where a friend of mine was tagged by someone in a post talking about forgiveness. The irony of this is the person doing the tagging and another that said person is romantically involved with has a lot of forgiving to do on their own.
Who do they need to forgive? Well, that's simple.
Me.
Settle down, peeps, this is going to be a long story. One in which I am a very bad person.This may be a two part post. I don't know yet.
You see, back in September, I had what would be diagnosed as a nervous breakdown, but seeing as how I don't go to doctors unless I feel like I'm dying, I'd rather classify it as the Becca Breakdown Festival, 2013.
Hmm, maybe I can diffuse this bomb I'm about to drop with humor. Because no matter how I put this, if the right person sees it, it's probably going to be taken the wrong way and there's another mark against my name in their judgey book of judgements. I think I'm destined for hell any day now, given the amount of marks I probably have now, so here comes my guaranteed trip to the Fiery Lakes.
I pretty much told my former best friend and her guy where they could shove it.
No, it didn't feel good. Okay, well that's a lie, it did at first. I cried as I did it, but oddly enough my eyes are dry as I write this. Huh. Go figure.
Let me paint the picture for you. I had a stressful day. I had an appointment for a pap smear, because I was scared to death that I had cervical cancer. I got some bad news on that day, personal bad news that not many people know about and I'm not divulging here. It does contribute to my coming BBF2013, though. I also had to wait for my test results, so I left just as nervous and scared as I had going in.
I'd been having some bad thoughts about my friend's significant other. It's actually hypocritical of me, thinking back on it now, because I was judging hardcore on their online relationship. Yes, this is how my husband and I met. Yes, I suck as a person for being a hypocrite. I feel crappy enough so let's get off of that subject because trust me, the worst part is coming.
I read a comment my friend said, and I guess I snapped. I don't remember much of this, but my sister later informed me that I was typing at 100 miles an hour while crying my eyes out. Not the cute crying, she says, but Farrah's ugly crying.
Gross.
Anyway, I don't have the exact message but I told her I never liked her man (not true, because I did like him at first. So I am a liar.), and that if she was willing to give up a four year friendship because of a stupid guy, then that was fine with me (and it wasn't, and still isn't. Lie #2).
And a bunch of other shit I don't remember. I think I have a lot of this stuff repressed. That is how horrible I feel.
No response from her. For months. I wished her a happy birthday, she said thank you, but other than that, she did not acknowledge my existence. Except for a like on an MJ picture I made on her birthday (and to this day there's a few MJ songs I can't listen to without ugly Farrah crying to.)
Now there was some drama involving my husband, that I do not feel comfortable with publicly posting. Long story short, her man said shit, my man said shit, they both suck for it, let's move on. They're men, I'm not ecpecting them to forgive each other any time soon.
So, soon, I start saying to myself "Self, you are a sucky person. You pretty much tried to sabotage your best friend's happiness, and you suck for it."
And Self started believing I.
So the apologies to both of them start. Both unreturned. Until a few weeks ago, where she tells me I'm full of shit.
Now, this is the part where old me would blow up and rant and blow shit up with my imaginary wand, but new calm collected me just apologized that she felt that way.
Boom. Blocked city for me, bitches.
So let us fast forward to the forgiveness photos. Seeing them rubbed me the wrong way because it's obvious that they don't forgive me. Despite me apologizing.
But this is life, and life has a funny way of letting shit be known. The way I feel is that if you preach about forgiveness, you should practice it before expecting it from others. Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it is for yourself.
Which is why I forgave both of them a long time ago, and I've run out of my apologies.
Their move.
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